Letters and Random Facts
by KhCcGlee
Summary: "And if anyone were to be the girlfriend in this relationship, it would be you, Fredgirl."
1. Random Facts

Dear Sam,

Okay, first of all, next time you sneak in my house, try to not eat all the food in fridge. That's pretty much the reason why my mother found out you sneak in the house while she was asleep last night. That and the fact that you scratched "Sam wuz here" IN MY DOOR. No worries though, I'm just grounded for THREE WEEKS. That means that I won't be able to buy you any smoothies or fat cakes for a while, maybe that will teach you a well needed lesson.

Secondly... well there isn't a second reason I'm writing this letter. I guess I'm kind of bored and I want to talk to you, but guess what? My phone was taken away. Another great perk to being grounded. Thanks. Even though I'm writing to you, doesn't mean I'm not mad at you. I am extremely displeased with you.

There's not much to do when you're only allowed to leave your room to go to school and various mommy and me classes. I don't even know why I just wrote that. Now when you read this, you are going to have a hundred more ways to tease me. Let's make a deal. I won't be mad at you for getting me grounded, if you agree to never mention that again. Please?

I was looking through the comments on last week's web cast, and I think that our viewers would like us to do another segment of Tech Time with Freddie. Well... they didn't say that exactly, but I could tell they were thinking it. See, I can tell these things because I am intelligent. You would be to if you would just pay attention in class and stop passing me notes. Seriously, I can't pay attention when you are throwing notes at the back of my skull every minute. So stop.

Oh and why haven't you accepted my request to be in a relationship on Facebook? I understand you are very lazy, but come on Samantha; you just have to click the mouse. I never thought you were THAT lazy. Sometimes I wonder why I even... you know what? I just realized that it would be such a better idea not to finish that sentence. This brings me to another point I would like to bring up.

I fear for my life sixty five percent of the time I am with you. The other part of the time, I'm safe because we are either with Carly, you're stuffing your mouth, or you're busy using your mouth for... other purposes, if you know what I mean. Anyway, I think that it would be in everybody's best interest if you cut it down to around forty percent of fearing my life, it would be very greatly appreciated. You owe me, anyway.

Did you know that only twenty percent of Americans have passports? (I do. Remember Japan?)

Did you know that when kittens are born they all have blue eyes? (Just like yours.)

Did you know that Odontophobia is the fear of teeth? (I had that for a week after you bit me.)

Did you know that according to suicide statistics, Monday is the most favored day for self destruction? (Depressing, right?)

Did you know that the most money paid for a cow in an auction was 1.3 million dollars? (I bet you would pay more though.)

Did you know that ninety eight percent of people will reply with "you're welcome" if you say "Thank you"? (How is it, that out of all the girls in the world, I got stuck with one of the other two percent?)

Did you know that elephants are the only mammals that can't jump? (Besides you when you're lazy.)

Did you know that women are thirty seven percent more likely to go to a psychiatrist than men? (You should consider seeing one.)

Did you know that you burn more calories sleeping than you do watching TV? (I can't decide if that's good or bad, seeing as you do both equal amounts of time.)

Did you know the word "nerd" was first used by Dr. Seuss in "If I ran a Zoo?"? (Frednerd? From Dr. Seuss?)

Did you know that elephants are the only mammal with four knees? (No comment.)

Those are all true facts that make it obvious how bored I am.

Another fact: You are the prettiest girl ever. I bet if you were here you would blush, tell me to shut up, and then kiss me. Actually, no. I don't bet, I know for a fact that you would do that. That's because I know you. No matter how much you try to deny it, I know you. You know what else I know? This letter has turned mushy fast, so I will stop now, because if I don't it will just bring me pain and suffering in the future. And no matter how much you like to think so, I do not like to be tortured.

OH MY GOSH! I just remembered something! Samantha Puckett, I am going to kill you. I was in gym, so I changed to my gym shorts and stuff only to have all the boys start laughing. I was completely confused as to what was going on and had to go the whole class without knowing what they were laughing at. Well, when we got back to the locker room and I was folding up my shorts, I noticed something purple that caught my eye. What in the world would possess you to sew big purple letters saying "Sam's Boy toy" on my rear! Since when do you even sew! Seriously, never ever do anything like that ever again! I just want you to know that I will be planning my revenge later tonight. Revenge will be sweet and the plan will be perfect. It might take time, but hey! I'm grounded, remember?

Anyway, I should stop writing now and start planning 'Freddie Benson's 8 Step Plan to Get Revenge on His Psycho Girlfriend'.

Love,

Freddie a.k.a

Your "boy toy"

Dear Freddork,

Calm your freakin' chizz! Maybe you should buy more food next time if you don't want to get caught. And you mother needs to get over herself if she's getting worked up about it. Oh, and try finding your wallet. Can't find it? That's right, I stole it, so yes you will still be buying me smoothies and food while your grounded.

The little deal about me not teasing you? Yeah right, like that would ever happen! That would be like you and my sister dating. Excuse me while I go barf. By the way, no one has ever or will ever want you to do "Tech time with Freddie" ever. Not in a million years so get over your self.

Despite popular belief, I am smart, just not the same type of smart. I am what you would call street smart and you are what you would call book smart. You can pass tests without studying, but I can pick a lock in under ten seconds. If you ask me, my skills are way more useful than yours, Fredmunch, so don't tell me to pay attention in class. I can do whatever I want to, and if that includes throwing rolled up papers containing messages at the back of your head, than I will and there is nothing you can do to stop me.

Now, the reason I have not accepted your relationship request is simple. I don't want to be your girlfriend, so stop asking. I love you, sure, but that doesn't mean I have to be you girlfriend. And if anyone were to be the girlfriend in this relationship, it would be you, Fredgirl. Not me, so don't send me another request, or I will break your thumbs.

This whole business about "fearing your life" sixty five percent of the time were together is crap. Don't be mad at me that you are to much of a girl to be able to beat me up, which is another reason you can be the girlfriend.

To all your nubby facts:

Of course I remember, I was there.

Wow, thank you. I never realized my eyes were blue. What would I do without you?

I didn't mean to bite you. I was trying to bite the sandwich in your hands. It's not my fault you were dumb and moved it at the last minute.

Duh. Everyone hate Mondays, it's the start of the dreaded school week.

Since when did I have that type of money to even buy a cow?

For me to say "your welcome" requires me to do something that would require a "thank you". That rarely happens.

I'm truly sorry if I am not making you happy by not jumping…

You should consider shutting your mouth before I shut it for you.

It's a good thing, I thought you were supposed to be smart.

Dr. Seuss and Boogie Bear are pretty much the only books I read.

Elephants are just that cool.

Momma knows that she's the prettiest thing in the world, no need to tell her that. She also knows that if she were there, she would've punched you in the face for being stupid and telling her information that is already known.

Oh my god! Didn't you just love those shorts! I took a sewing class just to do it! You better like them. I spent a lot of time making them for you and the last thing I want to do is disappoint you.

I'm looking forward to the weak attempt you call revenge. Bring it.

From,

Sam

**Review?**


	2. Lame Pranks and Revenge

**I don't own iCarly.**

Dear Freddie,

I am very disappointed in you, Freddie. You should know that Sam is not going to talk to you for a while now. I advise you to lock all your doors and windows; I wouldn't put it past Sam to break into your room just to tell you in person how much of a nub you are.

But seriously Freddie? Why in the world would you ever think it would be a good idea to drop water balloons out of your window and onto your girlfriend/friend/I don't even know what you two are. If your mom wasn't there to ward her off with various mallets used to smash your food, I'm sure she would have hurt you very badly.

Anyway, I just wrote this letter to inform you that your girlfriend is currently running around my apartment with Gibby and yelling how she's going to kill you when she gets her hands on you. I'm scared that she's going to hurt Gibby. I really need help right now.

-Carly

Dear Freddork,

Let me make one thing clear before I continue on with this chizz: Momma is going to shank you when you least expect it. Watch your back.

Anyway, Carlotta wouldn't stop nagging me about talking to you. She keeps telling me that I need to stop taking my anger out on Gibby and talk through my problems and blah blah blah. Like that's going to happen. It's not my fault that Gibby is a poor and defenseless potato and doesn't know how to fight back.

Hey! You and the Gibster should start a club. You could call it the "Nubs That Are Poor and Defenseless Club."

What happened to your eight step plan to revenge? Dude, water balloons are like the lamest trick in the book. Even I know that and I don't read.

Never mind. Who am I kidding? It probably took you eight steps to plan out how to throw a water balloon. Nub.

Even though I am going to get you back with sweet and torturous revenge; I forgive you. On the way to school this morning I started talking to the hobo that lives on my street. His names Jack and he's really cool and wise. I guess not having a house or a job gives you a lot of free time to think about life and whatnot.

Jack was apparently drunk the whole time because he passed out in the middle of his sentence, but it reminded me of the time my aunt fell down the stairs. Ha ha, you should have seen her. She looked like a rabid cowboy monkey that slipped on a banana.

Anyway, that reminded me of the chili I ate in the hospital while I visited her and that got me thinking about how I spent all the money I had last night on food.

Then I realized: I don't have money! Whose money did I spend you ask? That's an easy question, Fredloser.

Yours.

I can just picture your nerdy face right now. Your eyebrows are all twitchy and they probably look like angry caterpillars right about now.

Momma took your wallet and spent all your money you were saving to buy that new laptop hard drive or whatever. So I guess I can forgive you.

Just remember to sleep with one eye open sweet stuff.

-Sam (a.k.a. The coolest, hottest girl you will ever meet.)

Dear Samantha,

Ooh. I am _so_ scared. Your threats do not scare me in the least. As much as you hate to admit it, you care too much about me to hurt me.

Carly is right, you should leave Gibby out of this. Gibby is Gibby and doesn't understand the world outside of his head. Innocent minds need to be protected. We already have enough psychos in the world. _Cough_ You _cough_.

First of all, it's "The Gibster and you" not "You and the Gibster". Second of all, I resent that. If Gibby and I did happen to create a club, it would be named "The Awesome Hot Dudes of iCarly".

And I'll have you know that my step was eight plans.

ONE. Sneak water balloons into the house without mom knowing.

_Note: remember to hide them well so she won't find them during the weekly room search._

TWO. Test balloons with various amounts of water while mother sleeps.

THREE. Throw them from window and record findings so I will know the right amount of water to fill the balloons with and how fast they will fall.

FOUR. Wait until psycho girlfriend arrives.

FIVE. Measure out the angle and trajectory of the shot to make sure it arrives on target.

SIX. Drop balloons.

SEVEN. Take a moment and admire hot girlfriend while soaking wet.

EIGHT. Run.

See, I told you it took eight steps to carry out the perfect revenge plan.

Sam, I don't know how many times I have told you this. Stop talking to hobos! It is dangerous. I don't have to remind you about that poker game you had with all the hobos that I had to pick you up from. Just thinking about it makes me shudder.

I'm just going to ignore the whole section about bananas and cowboys and get right to the point… YOU BLONDE HEADED DEMON.

How dare you steal my money! Do you have any idea how hard it is to earn that type of cash? You know my mother only gives me so much so I won't buy a bus ticket and leave.

I don't understand what goes on inside your head. I really don't. I'm just going to end this letter before I end up saying some things that would result in you chopping me up and feeding me to your cat.

Love,

Freddie.

**I'm back after a while of deciding whether or not to carry on with this. Should I keep it with just two chapters? Or carry on?**

**And thank you so much to everybody who reviewed the first chapter! It means so much to me!**

**Review, please?**


	3. Tutoring

**I don't own iCarly.**

Dear Fredwardo,

So, some information has come to momma's attention. Apparently the dumb teachers at the torture center named Ridgeway think its okay to fail me. I admit that I don't do homework and I barely go to class on time or take notes, but it's not my fault. There's tons of distracting things!

Food. That's definitely what always makes me late. I need my food and if I have to go to six different stores to get what I want, then I will go to six different stores.

Then there's Frothy. I love that cat and all, but I don't know how many more times I can take him having spaz attacks and start foaming from the mouth. It's awesome, but it's time consuming having to take care of your three legged cat when it can't tell up from down. Idiot.

There's you. You're always sitting next to me in classes and I have to write you notes. I can't pay attention. I'm too distracted by your nub-ness.

Get this, when I tried to explain this to my teachers they rolled their eyes and told me to be quiet. If it weren't for Carly giving me that creepy mom look, I would have stormed out. Or at least thrown someone out of the window.

Anyway, the point of this letter is to make a deal with you. Instead of getting revenge on you like I promised, you can tutor me and buy me food.

I hate school and the sound of tutoring… with you of all people makes me want to barf up ham and you know how much I love ham. But I do not want to stay back and get stuck with the creepy kids a grade below us.

Sound good? Actually, don't answer that. I know it sounds awesome just because I'm involved. It's not like you would actually have a choice in the matter anyway.

Don't worry though, I haven't forgotten that you're grounded for a reason I can't quite remember at the moment. I have a plan to get crazy away long enough for our study sessions.

There are two options.

Option A: I throw her down a well and we all live happily ever after.

Option B: I have Spencer ask her to show him how to sew his name in all his clothes.

Personally, I like option a, but I know you can be an over dramatic emotional girl so you'll probably want to stick with option b. Whatever.

Gibby says hi. He's standing- nope, sorry, he's sitting, tied up next to me. The lump got annoying so I tied him to a chair. Things are boring without you. Can you please stop being a nub and be ungrounded?

-Sam

Dear Sam,

Wow. I am so shocked that you are failing. It's ridiculous. (That was sarcastic.)

As much as it pains me to say this (it doesn't), but none of those reasons you gave for failing were legitimate.

Sam, you eat like a six hundred pound man. I think you going without food for a few hours would be fine. Wait- not that I think you're fat! I think your super skinny! But not that skinny. Wait! That's not what I meant! I meant that you are curvy and hot. I'm just going to stop.

For god sakes, just put the cat down. Not to be harsh, but that thing scares me whenever I come over. I'm pretty sure it was watching me one time…

Now, the next reason is somewhat reasonable. I know that I'm incredibly hot, but I know that you are strong and can resist.

Sam, please don't throw anyone out the window. I'll get you a stress ball or something, just do your best to refrain yourself from killing people. It would be best for all.

I'd love to tutor you! I've been trying to get you to study with me for years! Even if I didn't I would still be forced to help, so what's the point in even asking?

Oh, and just to refresh your memory… YOU are the one who got me grounded. You and your mental capability of a banana. Do the words "Sam wuz here" ring a bell?

In regards to your plans, I think I'll go with the second one. I'm just going to ignore the first one for both of our sakes.

Please let Gibby go. I'm sure he didn't do anything wrong and even if he did, I'm sure he didn't even realize it. Gibby's just… Gibby, you know?

And, Aww. Things are boring without me and you want me to be ungrounded? You are so sweet! Considering it's coming from you, that's adorable and I love you.

Don't miss me too much.

-Freddie

**AHH! Why must I torture Gibby in this story? I don't know.**

**It's short! I know! I need more ideas.**

**Thank you to everyone who favorited, reviewed, and all that stuff.**

**Review?**


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